7 years away from Amman. The city that witnessed my victories and defeats; mostly defeats.

And here we are, just like two S&M lovers who torture each other every night, trying to find romance. To find answers. But there are no answers.

I push. You pull. I climb up. You bring me down. I drum and you dance. I am under your spell. Running in your old streets like a mad dog.

A love-hate relationship.

A part of me was buried here, and this is why I probably keep coming back.

That part of me that believed in love and goodness and dreams. That part that kept me going for years . . before reality checked in.

Nostalgia and self-loathing. Those are my scars from you.

We never had a safe word.

“It is possible that longing for something is better than actually having it. I’ve heard it said that satisfaction is the death of desire.”— Hank Moody (David Duchovny), Californication, Season 3: The Land of Rape and Honey.